Do you ever have one of those days when you feel like a train that has gone off its tracks? There's a indeterminate sense of uselessness. You can tell there's an enemy of your soul at work but nothing in you even wants to fight back because in some ways you agree with that condemning voice.
I realized today that at such times in the past, I used to grab at God, clamor for help, fearfully begging God to rescue me and contradict this condemning voice, pleading with Him to DO something for me, something tangible, something I could see or feel, something that didn't require too much faith. Sometimes He would, sometimes He wouldn't, but He was always my God.
|A New Plateau..|
I'm older now. In fact I'm turning 60 tomorrow and I've known God for over 30 years. It is not difficult to remember what I have learned: God is faithful, He doesn't change, He doesn't need begging to love us, He is ever present, He is never far from us. I firmly and deeply believe those things: they are written for us in the Scriptures and have been proven in my life.
So this morning I turn to Him in my dejected state and close my eyes. The old habit of fear raises its ugly head: "where is your God now?" Quickly, almost too tired to fight, I turn away from the fear and remember all I know of Him. I relax, fear can find no hold as I remember His faithfulness, His nearness... A scripture comes to mind. It leads to another and I discover the path up to a new plateau on the mountain, I see the beauty of a new lesson:
"Post this at all the intersections, dear friends: Lead with your ears, follow up with your tongue, and let anger straggle along in the rear. God's righteousness doesn't grow from human anger."
The Message, James 1:19
I want to learn to lead with my ears. I could substitute fear for the word anger. I will no longer begin by begging God in fear, but I will quiet my soul as a weaned child and begin by listening in faith. I will breathe and lean back into God. He is for me and He is love.